Hasta Alta California
Alberto Alvarez

Jimena’s cold worried stare was paralyzing as she looked at her acceptance letter to San Diego State University’s graduate program. No older than 21. Her cigarette ash got all over the letter, she couldn’t be bothered to get an ashtray for the cigarette she puffs. The cramped and cluttered living room never felt so claustrophobic, the stress and anxiety she carried in her adolescence still holds her as a young adult. She didn’t have good news to share from certain perspectives. Julio, her younger brother, no older than 11 years old enters the apartment. He looks like hell, he came home with scrapes and bruises regularly. But he looks battered and defeated. Not even a soccer match could rough him up like that.

    “Hey…” she says.

She says with a smile behind her dread. 

    “Hi”

He says softly.

    “Are you ok?”

    “Ya I was just playing a match earlier”

He says making his way to a chair infant of Jimena, sitting on the couch. The coffee table bordering between them. He found it weird she was smoking. She never did. 

    “I’ll find you an ashtray if you ne..” he says

    “No no no, ya lo termine”

She says masking her dread with a smile and putting it out on a stack of different overdraft letters on the coffee table. Taking a deep breath, and looking at the ground. Julio notices her behavior as odd too, he’s curious.

    “Estas bien?”

    “Pues...No, Julio, I need to tell you something.”

    “Ok, que paso?”

    “Well, there are going to be a lot of changes. I quit working the shop a while back,  I got into this graduate program I applied to, and, and…with it being in San Diego and the thought of having you here is…”

No noise came out of her mouth as she froze. Silence as they both look each other in the eyes in the longest seconds between sentences.

    “Jimena, que es?”

Silence as they both look each other in the eyes.

    “We’re both moving to San Diego, we’re leaving Tijuana”

In the skip of a heartbeat, Julio stands up instantly after hearing the news. Giving Jimena the most damned look she could ever imagine on his face. His eyes were sharp like daggers, his lips clenched tight, the shaking in his body is evident through his scraggy hair. He’s outraged, he could cry, he doesn’t though.
 
    “What the fuck do you mean we’re leaving Tijuana?”

She’s stunned, Julio’s growl under his voice was one of bottled rage.

    “They…offered me a full ride, I must have impressed the recruiter when he interviewed me,and they know about you, about us, They’re offering to help us, we’ll be ok.”

Nodding his head in disbelief

    “...I can’t believe we’re crossing”

Julio walks away from his chair and stops a few paces to the kitchen sink. He frustratingly pours some tap water into a cup. Jimena follows him and stands some distance from him, hoping he’ll understand.

    “We won’t be alone Julio, Tia Viviana already agreed to help us there, she found us a place to stay near schools, I have all the documentation claiming you, we went to the courthou…”

    “WE?... Abuelita agreed to this?”

He interrupts her, drops his cup in the sink, turning his back and facing Jimena again.

The silence eats at her as she tries to hold her composure, holding in every tear, exhausting her breath.

    “Jimena!” he says, raising his voice.

    “She told me I should apply in hopes of getting out of here with you. She signed the                adoption paperwork, I’m responsible for you now”

    “No. That’s not true, you’re lying!”

    “It’s done Julio, we leave before the end of July.”

Panting under his breath in rage and vulnerability, he gives the most betrayed look in the sadness that overflows with his anger. He stomped into his room before she could see any tears on his face. Slamming the door. `

She follows to the door and leans her head. Whimpering his name.

    “Julio?”

    “VETETE!”

Shouting behind the door, Julio paces around the cluttered cramped room that could handle the smallest angriest paces in the fit of a breakdown.

    “Julio, please I just...I want you to understand, it’s for our own good now!”

    “Stop it! No, it’s not, you don’t know that!”

    “Julio, please don’t be like this.”

    “Como que Jimena!? Sad? Angry? Scared? You don’t get to tell me how to feel when you’re forcing me what to do? NO!”

Julio can only hear her voice through a sea of muffled ringing in his ears as he trips himself on the floor, collapsing with no desire to get up on his feet. Instead, he looks where his head falls with his hands on his face, he looks at each photo of his possible extended family and friends. Surrounding him at every possible angle and placement in the room. It’s is everybody’s eyes from every photograph was watching him. He can’t take it. Every other toy, knickknack, outdated tv, broken radio, shirt, blanket, and so on is reduced to the cheap pastel-painted walls and worn-down tan carpet sinks away with every other memento knowing his life as he knows it ends here.    

   
    “I want you to understand Julio, I’m trying to make life better for us. I want better for me, for you! ...We can’t keep living like this”

Julio begins to sit up and lean against the edge of the bed, the cold lighting of the room was due to the lightbulb on this night, though everything begins to blur and feel warmer

He constantly remembers what he tries to forget on days like this.

(6 years ago)

Julio sits atop the bed with his legs slowly swinging high from the bed frame. He looks extremely frozen with no predictable expression from him in sight despite his heart being in shambles. He’s no older than 5, though the room he’s in has lived longer, with many of the defining details that Julio would have in his room hardly existent. As it all contains a mixture of his grandma’s belongings, with a mixture of the little Juanito and his family had when staying in this in-between room that would now officially be his. Most photos are still hung up, exactly where they will always be.

Desvelado by Bobby Pulido plays at a medium-low volume level in Julio’s room as it still echoes through the house with his door open. Grandma’s actual room, the kitchen, the Living room, and right outside the house on the main lawn and porch where his grandmother sat to relax. Though that was the last feeling Juanito and the rest of his family felt on the lawn.

His grandmother is in front of her chair, as Jimena hugs her father. Despite Jimena reaching her father’s height more and more every day, his hug wrapping around her arms sunk her into him in safe affirmation with his chest drenched in tears.

    “Please, Dad, come back quickly, please!”

She said half her face preset up against his chest muffling her words.

    “Of course Princess, I’ll be back before you know it. I love you so much. I’ll call the first minute I make it there.”

He says stepping back and facing her, saying what any kid would want to hear in their parent’s departure. Grandma pulls Jimena into her arms and lets her cry as she physically comforts her.

Their Grandma is emotionally drained and expresses a deadpan face and tone of voice. Though under her breath her voice growls with urgency.

    “Go over there and say your goodbyes to your son.”

She shook a little bit. Though without him saying a word, he did so and walked right toward Julio through the house that shined gold. He Niels infant of him

    “I can turn it down. I know the buttons are old and worn.”

    “No, I like this song”

His father sighs

    “Look, Julio, I know you don’t completely know why I have to cross, but I’m doing it for you, your sister all of us”

    “Then how, how can I understand that it’s for me and everyone if you’re gone?”

    “I will be back as soon as I can. While I’m gone Jimena’s going to start school in San     Diego. And when we’re together, I’ll be able to stay there with you and Jimena, and       I’m going to get us a house again. You’ll get your room, go to school, I can finally       show you a Lakers game.”

He says with the last nervous smile he could try to amuse him with. His head still faced his knees.

    “Do you hate Tijuana, Dad?”

    “Of course not mijo! I love Tijuana like you do. It will always be our home, but I     want to build our own, and we’ll have it before you know it. Just like Mommy wanted...Okay? I promise you.”

Julio lifts his head.
   
    “Ok…”

As he responded his father gives him the most gripping hug he can ever remember getting. His head is kissed and drops of tears hit his soft silky scalp.

    “Te quiero, Julio.”

He walks off back into the golden light before Julio could respond, He couldn’t say anything else though, he didn’t have a single sound or words or peep to make despite his mouth opening in hopes of anything except dead sound breaking free. But nothing else could be said. 

Julio can’t think in that room anymore. He needs to get out.

(Present)

Julio opens the door to find Jimena on her knees at the door. Julio has his sweater on and makes his way toward the main door outside. She tries getting in his way as he slips by.

    “Julio! No! You’re not leaving this late.”

    “Let go of me Jimena”

    “Listen…”

They stop at the front porch before she can get him to go to the street. He quickly swifts his shoulder from Jimena trying to reach his hand. He’s never done that before.

    “No Jimena! I can’t listen to this anymore, it’s cruel. You’re telling me to leave     everything behind. And you WANT to leave everything behind for the other side and it’s selfish. I still have family, friends, and a school, my life is here! And you can’t handle that! You went through school in San Diego, you had friends there, you understood English there, and spent time growing up there in your own bubble thinking this will be as simple too. We’ll end up dead like Dad.”

    “That’s not true Julio, don’t say that.”

    “We don’t know if he’s alive, Jimena! Grandma doesn’t know anymore, Nina doesn’t even know anymore, the fucking house and people that were taking him in are god knows fucking where since that number dad gave us stopped working. He’s dead in a gutter over a fucking pipe dream for all we know!”

    “You don’t know that Julio!”

    “Really? Why don’t I know?”

    “CAUSE JULIO YOU’RE JUST A KID!!! YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING! YOU KNOW NOTHING!!!”

Momentary pause between them.

Julio’s tears can’t be held back from the piercing look in his eyes. His mouth quivers. Jimena gets on her knees and grips Julio’s arms. Her tears can’t be held back anymore either. 

    “Julio. I want nothing more for you than to grow up happy, comfortable. But we can’t keep living here like this. I can’t keep jumping jobs. I can’t have you out late at night worrying   over you. And grandma’s getting old, she can’t take care of us like she used to. But this       isn’t goodbye forever Julio. We’re still going to come here constantly. Tijuana is still our     home Julio. No one and nothing can take us from it.”

Julio clenched his hands on Jimena’s back as she crouched to his size with her arms completely wrapped around him, sweeping him from the floor. They’ve never held or been held tighter. Julio’s ferocity will permanently stain Jimena’s view of his innocence, she felt it die that day. As Julio’s perception of trust means absolutely nothing at this point despite them being in his safest interests. And it won’t be the last time.

    “Do you promise?” He says.

    “What?”

    “You can’t hold truths from me like that if you’re gonna take care of me, do you promise me you’ll always tell me the truth?”

    “Julio…”

    “Jimena, please, Will Tijuana still be our home?”

    “...Yes Julio, I promise you”

    “Te quiero, Jimena.”